What is a Heathcare Proxy- and How do I choose One
May 16, 2025
When someone you love is facing a serious illness or nearing the end of life, clear communication can make all the difference. One of the most important things you can do before a crisis happens is name a healthcare proxy. But what is a healthcare proxy, really—and how do you choose the right one? Let’s break it down in a way that’s simple, clear, and made for caregivers like you.
1. A Healthcare Proxy Speaks Your Wishes—They Don’t Make the Decisions for You
A healthcare proxy is someone you legally appoint to speak on your behalf if you’re unable to communicate due to illness, injury, or other circumstances. The important thing to understand is that your proxy isn’t choosing treatments for you based on what they believe—you are making those choices in advance, and they are simply speaking your wishes. This clarity can bring comfort and prevent confusion when emotions are running high.
2. The Language Around It Can Be Confusing—Here’s What to Watch For
The term “healthcare proxy” may sound unfamiliar, and to make things more confusing, different regions and documents use different names for the same role. You might hear “medical power of attorney,” “healthcare agent,” or “surrogate.” All of these mean essentially the same thing: someone who can communicate your healthcare preferences if you can’t. The key is understanding the role—not just the title—so you and your proxy both feel confident and prepared.
3. Choose Someone Who Understands—and Supports—What You Want
Choosing the right person to serve as your healthcare proxy is about more than closeness or convenience. It’s about trust, alignment, and communication. Your proxy should fully understand what you want—and be genuinely comfortable advocating for those wishes, even in a hospital setting. Ideally, they live nearby and are available when needed. But more than anything, they need to be emotionally ready to speak on your behalf during what could be a very intense time.
4. Share Your “Why”—It Makes All the Difference
When you share your healthcare choices with your proxy, don’t stop at the “what”—explain the “why.” Telling someone you don’t want aggressive treatments at the end of life is one thing, but explaining that you value comfort and peace more than medical intervention brings deeper understanding. When your proxy knows your reasoning, it becomes much easier for them to step into their role with confidence, even if others around them have different opinions.
5. If You Don’t Have Someone—You’re Not Alone
Many people feel unsure about who to choose as a healthcare proxy, especially if they don’t have close family nearby. If that’s your situation, know that you are not alone. Options are growing, including Certified End-of-Life Doulas who can serve in this role, local support communities, and even upcoming events specifically designed to connect people looking for a proxy. These “Healthcare Proxy Mixers” will be safe, supportive spaces to meet others who are comfortable talking about end-of-life care—and who may be the right fit to support your wishes.
Conclusion
Appointing a healthcare proxy is one of the most meaningful ways to prepare for the future. It provides clarity for medical teams, guidance for your family, and peace of mind for yourself. When you take the time to write down your wishes and talk about them with someone you trust, you’re giving everyone the gift of knowing what matters most to you. Whether you’re a caregiver or planning for your own care, this is an act of love that makes a lasting difference. Download the Doulagivers 9 Choice Advance Directive to guide you or your loved ones in a step by step plan on how to best support in this last final phase.
Additional Resources:
To learn more, listen to the full Ask a Death Doula Podcast episode on Youtube here.
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The GOOD DEATH GOOD LIFE Live Monthly BOOK CLUB and Q&A: Register here
FREE Doulagivers Institute On-Demand Level 1 End of Life Doula and Family Caregiver Training Webinar
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